Baader Meinhof

 Have you ever heard of the Baader Meinhof illusion? It’s the phenomenon where once you are aware of something it seems like it’s ubiquitous. You’re thinking about buying a blue car, and it starts to seem like the streets are overflowing with blue cars. That's my feeling with cancer lately. I swear every book, movie, tv series, short story, tv commercial, bad joke and even one of my favorite podcasts has cancer in it. It’s like every writer has gotten lazy and there’s a huge cancer switch they pull when the storyline needs a good shot of tragedy. “We need a way to explain why this girl seems so sad and emotionally detached...I got it! Her mom died of cancer when she was little.” Or the reason why the cute female lead in a fluff Christmas movie can’t find love is because she’s too devoted to her job as a pediatric oncologist. I literally watched three cheesy Christmas movies with cancer in them. Being so new and raw in my own reality of cancer, sometimes I can brush it off and laugh, but other times it just stings like a slap in the face. 

Honestly, I think I have enough reminders of cancer right now. I’m reminded every time I look in the mirror and see a bald head, every time something doesn’t taste right because of chemo mouth, and every time my stomach cramps, twists, and gurgles so much I have to down some more Imodium. All I want is to forget about cancer for a minute and have a break from the relentless chemo side effects. This last round of chemo hit me really hard. I’m feeling more fatigued everyday and my stomach won’t settle down. It’s like I don’t have enough time to gain a stable footing before I’m hit with another sucker punch of chemo. I’m so thankful that I only have one more round of chemo to go and even though it’s freezing cold right now, it feels like spring is on the horizon. I’m hoping that this spring and summer will be a time for my body to heal and start feeling normal again. 

Hawaii is the other carrot that’s keeping me going right now. Last summer, before cancer, I booked tickets to Hawaii with two of my best college girlfriends. We got refundable tickets because we knew there was uncertainty with covid. I’ve been holding this trip loosely hoping I could still go. Miraculously, the dates we picked fell perfectly between my fifth and sixth round of chemo, and my oncologist has been supportive of the trip as long as I’m feeling up to it. I can’t believe that even with all the craziness of the last year, with covid, cancer and distance school, I actually get to go to Hawaii!! It might be a little more relaxed trip than what I had originally planned, but it feel like it’s l exactly the break I need to help me finish chemo strong. I can’t believe how lucky I am that everything has come together to make this trip work, and that I have the most amazing husband who has cared for our family so well and will be holding down the fort solo while I’m gone. Steve is the best!

Pray for safe travel to and from Hawaii. Pray that this trip will reenergize me for the last round of chemo

Pray for Steve and the kids while I’m gone. That everyone stays healthy. That there aren’t any covid outbreaks at school that would close their classrooms down. 

Pray for my body to heal and gain strength after chemo is done. Pray for patience through the healing. I’ve read that it can take two month for every one month of chemo for everything to work out of your system. That’s almost a year!